PAVES https://pavesnonprofit.com Fighting to improve bi+ lives Thu, 25 Feb 2021 05:36:20 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.9.4 https://i0.wp.com/pavesnonprofit.com/wp-content/uploads/2021/02/cropped-paves-favicon-1.png?fit=32%2C32&ssl=1 PAVES https://pavesnonprofit.com 32 32 176896656 Storie’s story: coming out as asexual, panromantic, and transmasculine https://pavesnonprofit.com/stories-story-coming-out-as-asexual-panromantic-and-transmasculine/ Wed, 11 Oct 2017 23:43:00 +0000 http://box5562.temp.domains/~pavesnon/?p=357 Read More

]]> In my early teens I originally came out as lesbian. Though my family was slightly surprised, they accepted it and were supportive. When I began dating another girl from my high school, we went to prom as a couple. This outed both of us to whole school and the bullying which followed was awful. I was called names on a daily basis and my friends stopped talking to me. However, the worst part was that I was repeatedly physically and sexually harassed. My family and I made the choice changing schools was necessary. However, I still struggled with fitting in at my new school and when a teacher asked me about it I recall saying, “I’m just not good enough at being a girl.” The next day I attempted suicide. While on adolescent psychiatric unit I had many conversations with staff about my sexual orientation. I shortly after being discharged came out as bisexual. My family was not remotely phased but once again the bullying got out of control so I decided to change schools again and finished high school online, which ended up being a much happier solution.

By my college years, I began to feel like I was broken. All of my relationships had failed and I was really struggling to pinpoint why. I was repeatedly told that perhaps it was just having a low sex drive due to being on antidepressant by my psychiatrist and therapist. I tried again and again to explain that I wanted to have someone to bring flowers to, write love letters, and cuddle with but I didn’t want to have sex because I don’t think of people in that way. I was told I just needed more relationship experience. I decided I needed to go find a new therapist.

I was introduced to the term asexual by LGBTQIA informed therapist. I once again came out to my family. However, instead of acceptance I was confronted by confusion. Excitedly, I sat them down and explained what asexuality is. They all nodded and agreed it fit.

I then began to sort out if I am a bi-romantic or pan-romantic asexual. I identify more with the label pan-romantic because when I experience attraction it is to the person, not their gender.

Having a therapist who understood LGBTQIA issues made it safe to start exploring gender identity. I realized female was merely a label assigned to me at birth. I originally came out as genderqueer. My family struggled profoundly. However, I’ve seen them able to not take their struggle with it out on me while they reconcile their misconceptions and work to educate themselves. This has made it possible for me to further explore gender identity and realize I do identify as transmasculine. I don’t entirely identify as male and do still consider myself part of the non-binary community. I have been able to start on T and am considering top surgery.

  • Pre T
  • One month on T

]]> 357 5 Tips for When Coming Out As Bisexual Goes Badly https://pavesnonprofit.com/5-tips-for-when-coming-out-as-bisexual-goes-badly/ Tue, 07 Mar 2017 23:36:00 +0000 http://box5562.temp.domains/~pavesnon/?p=346 Read More

]]> If you are having a crisis and need to talk to someone right now check out these resources.

The first person I came out to as bisexual, my best friend at the time, said something along the lines of “ew gross” and never spoke to me again. It absolutely crushed 18 year old me who had just discovered her bisexuality. My best friend’s response sent me back into closet crying. At the time I didn’t know any other bisexuals and my area didn’t have any sort of bisexual social or support group. I felt disgusting, dirty, wrong, and alone and no one supporting me or telling me otherwise.

My other friends were wonderfully receptive to my coming out once I built up the courage to come out to them more than a year later, but my ultra conservative family was not. I grew up being constantly barraged with hate towards everything gay and bisexual. I got the message that gays and bisexuals were sick, broken, wrong, and even deserved to die. I came out once I was safely across the country from them in the hopes that learning their daughter was one of those bisexuals would change their viewpoint. It didn’t.

My family took my coming out as bisexual as a confession that I was sick and a sex addict. I didn’t have the resources or ability to explain through my shock and pain that bisexuality has nothing to do with promiscuity.

I came out four years ago and nothing has gotten better with my family since. I rarely see or speak to my family because it feels like they only love and accept a part of me while hating and condemning another. I have worked hard to accept who I am and refuse to go backwards. Right now, that means limited contact with my family. I hope someday that changes, but I am no longer waiting for their acceptance. What they think of me no longer has anything to do with the way I see myself.

1. Educate Them

A lot of times intolerance comes from a place of ignorance and education can help people become more tolerant and empathetic to other’s struggles. Most people don’t understand bisexuality and see bisexuality as all the negative misconceptions surrounding it rather than what it is- a valid and real sexual orientation.

Providing resources such as this, this, and this can help people learn what bisexuality truly is, learn to be more understanding, and support the person coming out as bisexual. Sometimes it is hard to get people to read the resources, but all you can do is provide these resources. Make sure the person you are coming out to knows it would mean a lot to you for them to look these resources over.

2. Give Them Time

Many people don’t respond well when people first come out as bisexual. Their knee- jerk reactions can range from strange to cruel. Thankfully, many of these people come around. They calm down enough to ask questions and try to learn and listen. Often, in the end, their love for the person coming out as bisexual matters more than their bigotry.

Taking a step back from someone who doesn’t respond well to your coming out as bisexual is important for both of you. For them, it is important to process the information, learn about bisexuality, and not say something they will regret. For you, it is important to remove yourself from a possibly hurtful situation and get support from people who do support your sexual orientation in the meantime.

Not everyone comes around. I don’t want to provide false hope here. However, enough people do that it is worth giving someone a few weeks, sometimes months before accepting that they won’t be in your corner. I have even heard of people, usually parents, coming around after years and years of being bigoted and unsupportive. It is at least fun to imagine as a possibility.

3. Get Support Elsewhere

Having someone respond poorly to your coming out can be a really hard thing to process. For some of us, like it did for me, it throws us back into the closet to hide from further rejection. It is important to seek support from someone else in these situations, whether it is family, friends, or a mental health professional who understands and supports bisexuals. Seeking help from a mental professional is especially important if the person you are coming out to reacts in an abusive way.

4. Reach Out to the Bisexual Community

I have only met a lucky few bisexuals that have had amazing, wonderful responses from every single person they have come out to. Most people in the bisexual community have experienced the harsh rejection of our coming out going badly- to differing degrees. Therefore, most people in the bisexual community will understand what you are going through.

Being a part of the bisexual community after a bad coming out helps to make you feel like you aren’t going through a hard time alone. Being a part of the community also helps you remember that your sexual orientation is valid and that being bisexual does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

5. Move On

At a certain point of a loved one not accepting your sexual orientation, you have to move on. Accept that the person you came out to isn’t going to be positive or supportive of your sexual orientation anytime soon. You don’t have to give up hope that they someday will change or cut them out of your life completely, but you can’t wait around for them to be supportive forever.

Only you can decide what this means to you- whether you need to remove them from your life completely for your mental health or whether you can stand having someone in your life that doesn’t accept a part of you. Either way, at a certain point you can no longer wait for them to come around or you will be hurt over and over again. You can’t rely on their opinion of you for any of your self- worth.

]]> 346 21 Tips for Building a Bisexual Community https://pavesnonprofit.com/21-tips-for-building-a-bisexual-community/ Wed, 01 Mar 2017 23:34:00 +0000 http://box5562.temp.domains/~pavesnon/?p=344 Read More

]]> If you aren’t sure whether there is already a bisexual group in your area check here.

Bisexual support and social groups are of utmost importance for bisexuals. Bisexuals are often unwelcome in the straight and gay world; we are seen as too gay to be straight and too straight to be gay rather than a whole, valid sexuality. The LGBT community we are supposed to be a part of too often shuns us, sometimes for the same bigoted misconceptions that gay people have been fighting against for decades. With a world telling us we don’t exist, that our sexual orientation isn’t valid, or erasing us altogether it is so important to meet people going through the same struggles; we bisexuals need each other.

Right now, bisexuals struggle with higher rates of intimate partner abuse/ rape/ stalking, poverty, and health problems than straight and gay people. While the cause of these statistics cannot be positively identified, it is likely that a lot of these problems have a lot to do with bisexuals not having the same opportunities for community in the way that lesbians, gays, and straight people do.

Starting and building a bisexual community might seem like a daunting task, but you are not alone and will really be helping people. I reached out to people who are working on building a bisexual community in their area their tips for starting and growing a bisexual community are below.

1. Wording & Description

Use the word Bisexual in your title. Use the term [bisexual] in your description.

Leaders of the Latina Bisexual & Lesbian Amigas Meetup

Oh, and don’t expect everyone to read your instructions/help, no matter how easy and obvious you make it.

John G., London Bi Meetup

After so much of the bisexual+ community has experienced queer gatekeeping, many of us don’t feel bisexual enough or queer enough to attend meetups. Including questioning or possibly bisexual in descriptions helps people feel like they can come to the event even if they don’t feel bisexual or queer enough.

Codi Coday, PAVES

2. Group Goals

Decide the group goals: support, social, or educational? The more specific the better, but if your group is the first in your area, then it’s OK to start broad. Type up a mission statement.

Dr. Mimi Hoang, Co-Founder of Los Angeles Bi Task Force, amBi Los Angeles, and Fluid UCLA

Identify who you want your group to made up of based on the needs of your community. Check and see what groups already exist and who they are serving or who they are missing. Being more inclusive is better, but sometimes the existing community has holes that need to be filled. Do all bisexual and pansexuals, no matter their race, gender, relationship style/status, ability, income, and age have a place in the existing community? What can you do to help make the answer to the question yes?

Codi Coday, PAVES

Decide the social/political mix you want your group to be.

John G., London Bi Meetup

3. Recruiting Members

Recruit members by creating a group on Meetup.com or Facebook. Schedule events, which could be in public settings like coffee shops.

Dr. Mimi Hoang, Co-Founder of Los Angeles Bi Task Force, amBi Los Angeles, and Fluid UCLA

Publicize your group by e-mailing friends, then notify your local LGBT center, or other local progressive organizations (e.g., feminist or social justice orgs). Utilize other bi+ groups like BiNet USA.

Dr. Mimi Hoang, Co-Founder of Los Angeles Bi Task Force, amBi Los Angeles, and Fluid UCLA

4. Be Patient

Be patient, it takes a few months for people to hear about the group and get it on their schedule.

Camille Holthaus, Bisexual Organizing Project, Minneapolis, MN

Be VERY patient, because the bi+ community struggles with a lot of stigma, and it takes longer than other groups to gain momentum.

Dr. Mimi Hoang, Co-Founder of Los Angeles Bi Task Force, amBi Los Angeles, and Fluid UCLA

5. Inclusivity

Inspire an attitude of inclusivity and nonjudgment in all activities. I accept trans women, coupled women, non-Latina women and butch women. Every woman welcomed.

Leader of the Latina Bisexual & Lesbian Amigas Meetup

Work on being inclusive and tolerant in the words you use, books/courses/online multimedia/other LGBT communities can really help.

John G., London Bi Meetup

Make sure your events are inclusive to members with disabilities. Include whether the Meetup has stairs, whether it is wheelchair accessible, and whether it is accessible to blind and deaf people as well in each and every description.

Codi Coday, PAVES

6. Vary Events

Don’t forget people have other interests.

John G., London Bi Meetup

Keep your events varied to fit a variety of personality types. Plan hikes, coffee, brunches, nights out, game nights, happy hours, etc. However, don’t try and host anything that doesn’t come naturally to you. For example, I’m not really into games; luckily my co-organizer is and she hosts a lot of game nights, which have become well attended.

Lisa Brodsky, Denver Metro Bisexual Social Meetup

7. Find Help From Within

Eventually find some trustworthy active members to help you with leadership. You don’t want to burn out.

Dr. Mimi Hoang, Co-Founder of Los Angeles Bi Task Force, amBi Los Angeles, and Fluid UCLA

My advice for anyone starting a bisexual support or social group is to find a partner to do it with you! You may find there are times you feel burned out or overscheduled, but if you have someone else planning and hosting events the meetup continues and doesn’t “go dark” if you’re busy.

Lisa Brodsky, Denver Metro Bisexual Social Meetup

8. Don’t Take Setbacks Personally

Don’t take it personally when people leave the group.

John G., London Bi Meetup

I think the most important thing to tell yourself for the first year is to stick with it no matter what. Don’t beat yourself up if you have some poorly attended meetups. Community takes time to build!

Lisa Brodsky, Denver Metro Bisexual Social Meetup

9. Encourage Enthusiasm

Always keep a lookout for and encourage enthusiasm from members to get involved helping out.

John G., London Bi Meetup

I always try to make sure I greet new members when they first show up to an event and explain the basics, how casual/formal the style is (so they don’t end up waiting for a big announcement/formal start if there isn’t one).

John G., London Bi Meetup

Missing anything? If you have a bisexual group and have more tips to add, please email me at codi.coday@PAVESnonprofit.com and I will add them. If you are wanting to build a group and want someone to talk to or bounce ideas off of you can email me as well. We are also looking for leaders to develop groups outside of Denver for PAVES.

]]> 344 The Missing B In LGBT Celebrations https://pavesnonprofit.com/the-missing-b-in-lgbt-celebrations/ Tue, 08 Nov 2016 23:27:00 +0000 http://box5562.temp.domains/~pavesnon/?p=341 Read More

]]> In June 2015, I attended my first Gay Pride, Pridefest in Denver. The purpose of Pride is to support LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transexual) issues. Pride is also an unapologetic celebration of loving who you are. However, by the end of the weekend Pride felt like a celebration of who you are- unless you are bisexual.

Bisexual people are sexually attracted to both men and women. Bisexuality is neither new nor a fad. As early as 1948, researchers of human sexuality have suggested that for many people sexuality lies on a spectrum. This gray area between gay and straight isn’t small; bisexuals make up about half of the LGBT community. However, Pride focuses exclusively on trans, gay, and lesbian issues. This wide underrepresentation of bisexuality in the LGBT community is called bisexual erasure. Basically, biisexual erasure is the belief that bisexuals do not deserve equal status or inclusion in the gay or lesbian community.

Bisexuals have been crucial in the LGBT community. The Mother of Pride, Brenda Howard, was a bisexual woman. The commonly used gay pride song “Born this Way” was written by a bisexual woman, Lady Gaga. The gay community commonly uses the song in floats, signs, and at booths but still ignores Lady Gaga’s and other’s bisexuality. The first “lesbian” marriage included a bisexual woman, Robyn Oaks, who was widely referred to as a lesbian in the media. Despite the importance in bisexuals in the LGBT community, bisexual erasure and biphobia are not only exclusive to straight society. Bisexuals work hard for gay rights and then are shunned for their sexuality by the group they are meant to be included in (LGBT).

Bisexuals deal with similar issues and struggles as the gay community and often fight for gay rights right along the gay community. Bisexuals have to come out, deal with hatred and misunderstanding, and fight for the right to be with the one we love. The gay and lesbian community refuse to acknowledge these similar struggles. The gay community will say things like “it is just a phase” despite their own fight to not hear those comments from straight people. Unfortunately, it is common for the LGBT community to add to bisexual struggles.

Hatred from the gay community isn’t something exclusive to Pride Festivals. But it is especially discouraging to see biphobia during a celebration of being yourself. There was absolutely no representation of bisexual colors, no floats representing bisexuality, and nothing being sold for bisexual awareness. I realized an under-representation of bisexuals I asked a vendor if they had bisexual shirts because all I saw were lesbian, gay, and trans pride shirts. The vendor actually got angry and cursed at me for asking.

Bisexuals weren’t underrepresented at Pride because there aren’t enough of us or because Denver Pride was too small. Some of the booths and floats were incredibly specific to small sub -communities but ignored bisexuals. For example, there was more representation for straight allies (those who support the LGBT community and fight for their rights) than there was bisexuality. Even communities who are not fighting for rights or exclusive to the LGBT community were represented, like the leather or BDSM community. The only acknowledgment of bisexual existence in Denver Pride was the “B” in LGBT. Because bisexuality is not at all rare, I have no doubt that this underrepresentation of bisexuals at Pride is caused by biphobia and hatred from the gay community.

Bisexuality is largely underrepresented at most Pride festivals. At 2014 New York Pride, three grand marshals were elected to lead the Pride parade. There was representation from the gay, lesbian, and transsexual communities. All parts of the LGBT community were represented, with a huge slap in the face for bisexuals. Time and time again bisexuals are shunned by the group claiming to include them. Acceptance of bisexuality isn’t going to come anytime soon if the gay community won’t even accept us. The next time you go to a Pride festival don’t forget the bisexuals, after all, there is still a B in LGBT.

]]> 341 Why Bi+ Visibility Day Is Important https://pavesnonprofit.com/why-bi-visibility-day-is-important/ Fri, 23 Sep 2016 23:39:00 +0000 http://box5562.temp.domains/~pavesnon/?p=351 Read More

]]> (Note: In this article bisexual is used as an umbrella term that includes pansexuals and all other polysexuals too.)

Each year, bisexual visibility is celebrated on bisexual visibility day, September 23rd. This leads to the question: Why do we need a visibility day? Visibility is important for bisexuals to combat bisexual erasure, the tendency to ignore and exclude bisexuals, or claim bisexuals they just don’t even exist.

People Do Not Believe Bisexuality Exists

As humans, we like to put things in tidy categories and boxes. There is a tendency to do this for human sexuality and has resulted in many people believing that people can only be gay or straight. Nearly one third of people believe that there is no middle ground to sexuality and everyone must be heterosexual or homosexual.

These attitudes result in many people thinking bisexuals don’t exist and that anyone who says they are bisexual is doing it for attention, is in a phase, is confused, is actually straight if they are a woman, or is actually gay if they are a man. Dealing with this form of biphobia is taxing for bisexuals. No other declaration of sexual orientation is so mistrusted as bisexuality. Bisexauls deal with their sexuality constantly being invalidated as well as being expected to prove they are bisexual enough.

Bi Visibility Day is a day where bisexuals are more visible which can help combat these attitudes. When people see many people identifying as bisexual it is more difficult to deny they exist.

Bisexuals Are Less Likely To Be Out

Compared with gays and lesbians, bisexuals are far less likely to be out as bisexual. It is extremely likely that this is caused by the biphobia surrounding bisexuality from straight people as well as the LGBT+ community. There are a lot of potential risks to being out as bisexual as bisexuals are more likely to experience poverty, a pay gap, negative work decisions, domestic assault, rape, and suicide that keep people from coming out.

Understandably, some bisexuals cannot be out. Those who can need to be out and visible to help normalize bisexuality as a legitimate, real sexuality. The hope is that visibility now will help more biesxuals be more out later. In this way, visibility is important to bisexuals as Pride has been to the LGBT+ community.

Bisexual Erasure Is Hurting Bisexuals Bisexual erasure sounds like more of an annoyance than a serious problem to some, but has a profound effect on bisexual’s lives. Visibility and representation is how erasure is fought.

Bisexual erasure runs rampant in the LGBT+ community, a community that should be supporting bisexuals too. As a result, bisexuals are left feeling like they aren’t a part of their own community and are barred from support and resources. Bisexuals have a more difficult time finding and fostering community which is vital for marginalized people.

When gay, lesbian, and trans identities are often mentioned, but biesxual identities are ignored it reinforces the idea that gay, lesbian, and trans identities are things to be proud of, but bisexuality is shameful and not to be spoken of.

The erasure of bisexuals has also led to a decrease in support from gay and lesbian people. Bisexuals have always had a part in the LGBT+ rights movement, but their inputs are largely erased when LGBT+ history is discussed. As a result, many lesbians and gay men now have an attitude that they shouldn’t be allies to biexuals because bisexuals have never been allies to them, even though this is far from the truth.

Not only does bisexual erasure bar bisexuals from access to a supportive community, but it also exacerbates the severe issues bisexuals face. For example, recently gay and bisexual men in Chechnya are being murdered for their sexual orientation. However, most coverage of the story and discussion left bisexual men out of the conversation and erased their struggles. This also occurs in research on the LGBT community. Bisexuals are rarely specifically studied and this leads to people ignorance of the specific issues bisexuals face.

When bisexuals are left out of discussion and research, the issues they face are ignored and not addressed. Issues have to be called to our attention to be solved.

Increasing bisexual visibility is the best way to combat the attitude that bisexuality doesn’t exist and bisexual erasure. Bisexual Visibility Day is a great start to increasing visibility, but increased bisexual visibility is something we need to fight for year round to improve bisexual lives.

]]> 351